Burn my wooden heart

The cold spring wind pushes the rain on the windows of the coffee shop and I catch myself daydreaming again.
The coffee is strong but the gray light doesn’t help me fight my sleep deprivation.
Though relaxed I’m very tired. I look over the small coffee table at her dark eyes and wonder when I became like this.
How did I became this.. this.. thing.
No more than a year before it was enough for her to look at me and I would become so anxious that I couldn’t talk. Almost.
I’m tired and it’s getting late and she’s talking about her lost dreams.
She says that nothing she wished for her at this age became reality.

I don’t care.

She is telling me about school and how much she learned.
She is telling me about lost friends.
She is telling me about ex-boyfriends.
She is telling me about lost dreams.

I don’t care.

I start to lose patience and my thoughts fly on the last year events. She asks why I smile.

I tell her that I finally understand what losing all hope means.
I tell her how I lost someone I loved very much.
I tell her how freedom tastes when you realize that you don’t have anything to lose.
I tell her how I destroyed myself to make a better me. Someone stronger.
I tell her all this things and hope that she’s able to understand it all. I’m not keen on asking her if she really does.
I tell her the truth “You have beautiful eyes.”
I tell her a lie “I think you are a very interesting woman..”

I don’t care.

I hold her hands and tell her what I wish my future to be.
I tell her I want to move far away from here.
I tell her I want a house close to the seaside so that I can smell the salty air every morning.
I tell her I want to wake up to a strong smell of coffee every summer day and to go to sleep in a strong cinnamon flavored red wine every winter night.
I tell her I want to take my soul mate’s hand and take her to the beach and watch our children play in the water or while they build sandcastles to close to the water.
I tell her I want to hear “Thank you for a beautiful life..” when we will be old and gray.
I tell her I want to be able to say back “Thank you for believing in me..”.

I know she liked what I said. I know this from her big smile and her holding strongly my hands. She leans to kiss me.
This is the moment where the “old me” would have kissed her very passionately and he would felt anything else than a burning desire to just fuck her.
I stop her by touching her lips and I tell her to listen to me very carefully. She seems now very captivated and intrigued.
I tell her that I will ask for the bill and until the waitress comes back with it she would have to give me the answer to a proposal.
I tell her that that after I will pay the bill I will lean in and kiss her. She smiles.
I tell her that if she doesn’t want to kiss me I will just get up and leave and she will never see me again. She doesn’t smile anymore.
I tell her that if she kisses me I will take her to my place and we will have sex and after that she will have to leave and we will never see each other again. She’s astonished.

The bill comes and I leave the money on the table. I get up and lean to kiss her.
She doesn’t move a muscle. She just looks at me incapable to say or do anything.
I turn around to leave but I hear a weak “Stay..”.
She gets up and kisses me.

I still don’t feel anything.