You left me here alone.. making me pretend I care about somebody else.

Mistakes only have value if “you” make them. “Learn from the mistakes of others” is a very stupid and wrong advice.
Nobody really learns from others. Nobody sees the power in the mistakes made by others. Nobody listens to their pain.
Bottom is a very hard and cruel place to hit. But you have to hit it. Hard.

I wish now I listened. I wish now I had my eyes open. I wish now I could be able to undo mistakes.
But wishes are for children. Wishes are for the brokenhearted. And I’m neither.

It all sounds so grim. And it kinda is. Being a nihilist and knowing life has no purpose and that morals is a figment of societies imagination can be a very daunting and difficult experience. But I don’t see any other way to destroy everything I believe in. To destroy all the damage society did to me. The brain washing. The fucked up concepts of happiness.

You will not be alive in a few years. You, reading these words, are already dead. Your heart will stop pumping blood and your brain cells will stop sending signals to your body. This is a very important concept to understand. That any moment can be your last. This should make you think what really matters to you.
Are you now a step closer to what you want from your pitiful little life? Are you walking the path to your ultimate goal?

And then, years after you disappear, when the memories of you fade in the mists of time does anything of what you did mattered to someone? To you?

Life is violent and cruel by nature so when something good comes along stop and celebrate it.
When was the last time you looked at the stars? When was the last time you listen to the wind blow?
When was the last time you looked at the leaves falling on the ground?
You will not be able to tell me. You forgot to live a long time ago.

I don’t want to be happy. I don’t want to be sad. I want to be numb. I want to be empty.

Many relationships failed. Many had to crumble into ruin for me to finally understand.
Many lost words. Many wasted nights. Many forgotten dreams. Too many.
So many just for me to understand that I was responsible. I was the one that failed.

I could never love you. I don’t believe in it anymore. You need a young and naive heart to be able to do that.
You need to believe in hope and good and evil. I will though respect you and care for you but I won’t feel anything when you’ll leave. And you will leave. Thrust me.
I will never cheat on you and I will never lie to you. You will want me to lie. I’m very cruel in that way. I am demanding and you will have to be strong to keep pace. Betray my trust and I will destroy your soul.
I will complicate you. You will remember me forever.

Goldfish don’t know they’re wet. You don’t know if you are wrong or right.
You are raised to believe in things that your parents were raised to believe in and their parents and their parents.
Maybe you are wet now. Did you think at that?

Weak human. Pitiful soul. Think of me in the depths of your despair.
After all of it you still went back. Well.. good for you. We don’t get what we deserve don’t we? We get what we accept.
Your pain will be a warning story that I will use to scare others.

You met me in a strange place in my life. Maybe in another life we would have been a great couple.

I’m proud of all my scars.

You fight your entire life for moments. Moments of true happiness. Yes they are just moments and you are so fucking blind all the time and you don’t know to appreciate them.
They go by and you forget. Then you look into a mirror and your hair is gray.
Those moments now fill your eyes with tears.

It’s dinner. Friday night. You’re waiting for your order. You’re thinking that a damn chicken salad should not so long.
She ordered pasta. As always. At least the weather is the same. Always changing.

You never really loved her. You wanted someone and someone needed you. The light in her eyes died years ago. You loved someone else.
You didn’t need her. You were just fed up of all those empty talks at diner or coffee trying to find that person to fill the void.
Her love faded when she didn’t get anything back. When she realized that she never will.
She couldn’t fill the emptiness. You loved someone else. Nothing could have changed that.

The tattooed guy over the other table reminds you of a long forgotten dream. You would go right now and make one but… it doesn’t matter anymore.
It doesn’t matter because it was not then. When it mattered. When you wanted that. You chose.
You chose to be a sheep and got bored. Choosing to be a wolf would had meant loneliness.

You never meant to be that. Long time ago you laughed at those people. Those sad sad people. Sitting there looking at their food.
Never looking at each other. Never saying anything. With their love wasted. With their time lost.

Now look at you!
Look at you. Look!!!

A lonely bored sheep.

Your God.. dead.
You dreams.. dust.
Your love.. gone.

Kevin Spacey said in American Beauty “It’s a great thing when you realize you still have the ability to surprise yourself. Makes you wonder what else you can do that you’ve forgotten about.” And “I feel like I’ve been in a coma for the past twenty years. And I’m just now waking up.”
I was lucky and was in a coma only around 5 years. Remembering it all now I don’t know if I should be grateful or angry for what happened to me in these years.
Being and optimistic nihilist I chose grateful. Maybe that hurt is the price for my evolution.
I don’t know what life will throw at me but I know it will be fun and hard and damn me if I won’t make the most of it.

OK. OK.. Things that I’ve learned so far.

Don’t try to recreate moments of happiness.
Looking for that woman that will make you feel like you felt that moment in time will only make you nuts.
And most important you will not appreciate and enjoy the time with this one. Even if it’s for one night.

One woman ain’t like another but they’re all the same.
Doesn’t make logic right? Right. Well.. It’s very logical in fact. They look and act differently that’s for sure but hell if they don’t have the same buttons.
The trick is to learn what buttons to press. It’s like a new car. You’ll have to spend a few minutes to figure out how you turn on the heat. No pun intended.
Oh and women hate to be compared to other women. Drives them nuts. Try it. It’s fun.

Things changed and the way you see relationships must change.
Once the feminism movement started everything got fucked up. Everything that was taken for granted in relationships doesn’t exist anymore.
For hundreds of thousand of years women and men had their jobs clearly defined.
Women needed men to protect them, to provide for them, to help them procreate. Today basically men are not needed for these things anymore(not even procreation).
But they still need men to love them and to celebrate them. This one cannot be replaced by anything. But we don’t know this and we still think that money bring happiness.

Choosing between two evils.
Having fun with a woman. Talking. Dancing. Hugging. Cuddling. Sleeping. Fucking. Using. Whatever.
The point being having fun together. No lies. No bullshit. But the next night doing the same thing (approximately) with another woman.
Stopping for a moment in her life. Bringing happiness and fun. Sweet distraction. Sweet memories.

Or.. OR.. Meeting that woman. Being polite. Buy dinner. Flowers. Talking nice and boring about work and weather or whatever. Act all gentlemanly and kiss up to her. Basically boring her to death. Doing whatever she wants. Asking her what she wants. Saying to her that you will do anything to be with her. Using words to formulate something that basically translates to: what can I do to be your bitch.
Please.. please use me. All I want in fact for doing all this shit is just to fuck you. But I’m the biggest pussy off all and I’m just like all the others guys wanking in the shower thinking of you. I’ll buy you anything you want. In fact I’ll drop to my knees and offer you, my deity, a symbol of my eternal gratitude.. a fucking ring that I spent basically months to earn the money to get it.
Which will it be my dear? Doesn’t matter anyway because I’m choosing.

Are you happy..? Look deep deep inside you.. Yes..?
You’re so full of bullshit.

Funny how you didn’t even notice it until it was too late.

No need to fool ourselves. You wanted to break me I wanted to fuck you.
You underestimated me. I lied better than you.
You wanted to use me. I wanted to use you.
It was never meant to be something real. Not with someone like you.
Someone with nothing special. Some spineless arrogant bitch.

I even liked your style. I even liked your smile. I even loved your screams.
But you had to do it. Not that is your nature.
Judging you on cheating and lying would make me an hypocrite. Don’t even really care anymore about that.
I love me some experienced ass anyway.

If I could care I would regret not keeping my cool some more to bring you down harder.
To break you harder. To use you more. To fuck up you more.
To remember me better. To remember me with hate and not regrets.

Pointing fingers is easy but it’s not my style. I should have made you not want someone else.
You should have made me want you.

Why did you try make me need you? Why didn’t you listen?
Why didn’t you listen when I told you that I don’t need you? Why didn’t you listen when I told you I wanted you?
I burned in hell long before we met. I hit bottom long before you learned life is not fair.

Thank you for the sweet memories. Thank you for the interesting drama.
Hope life will be less cruel than me.